Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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