Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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