11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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