So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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