So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
