Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
