You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
