the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
