i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
