Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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