Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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