Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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