Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
