so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
