There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
