so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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