from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
