When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
