I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
