if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
