Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
