i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
