so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
