He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
