Christians are straight up FREAKS
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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