I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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