He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
