did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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