So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
