My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
