i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
and you fell through a lawn chair
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
