Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
