if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
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