when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
