don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
