i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
