Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You are the jesus of drinking
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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