i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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