Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
