Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
