the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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