she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
