Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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