when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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