man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
