I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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