You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
