Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
