I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I could make wine with my vomit
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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