i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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