So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
