I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Randomize
