plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
